Don’t you love comforting music? Even those who like to listen to the “hard stuff”, have their limits? We joke about “Elevator” and “Doctor’s Office” music, but it is there to relax those that might otherwise be too stressed. Those soothing notes, tones that can sometimes take my breath away, lead me to mountain tops, or beaches with the foamy blue-green water, and even a quiet crackling fire. Where is your “happy place”? I enjoy this new question that I hear a lot, lately. I have a few favorite singing artists that just bring an otherwise rough and rocky day into the bliss that I seek. Just a few minutes with notes expressing soft and gentle breezes on an April morning. The rustle of the orange and gold leaves while walking on an September day. The art of visualization is most powerful in comforting yourself during hard times. Our minds have great abilities to provide us with all the release that we need when we are feeling lost, or at the end of the road. It is when we feel that there is no hope, that we fight ourselves for answers that will take away the pain and discomfort we are experiencing, and if we can just take a few deep breathes and experience the plethora of adventures just waiting to be accessed within us, we can overcome most things by choosing not to succumb to external circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, there are things that we have no control over; however, when confronting those things, you can control, I hope you will decide to choose life. There are many options for relieving stress or finding comfort. We, as a majority, habitually run from one addiction to the next, trying to find the comfort and satisfaction that our mind needs. Some of these addictions are obvious to others or illegal, which causes heaps of guilt that is usually dealt with by learning not to care, even when we are caught and punished for simply wanting the pain to go away. You tell others and yourself, “I can’t help myself!” We are told, “You just don’t want to.” These struggles are never-ending, it seems. There is hope! What I do, while figuring out solutions to questions like: Am I worth it? Do I care? Are there any reasons for me to live? Why do I exist? (This makes me think of an interesting experience with my husband while I was going through one of these times. I was fixated on the question, “What is reality?” So, I thought I would ask my husband, who is a PhD chemist, this question. You should have seen the look on his face. I don’t think I ever got a straight answer from him, but it made for a most exhilarating conversation. Try it sometime and see where it goes). Anyway, I journal my thoughts with questions and words that are flooding my mind. It doesn’t matter the order, structure, or spelling. I just write for however long it takes to make myself let go of those “rotten” thoughts that are poisoning my mind and bringing me down. Once, I have dumped it all onto the paper, I rip it or shredding is always fun. It releases me from feelings that hurt and keep my joy, in life from shining through. The whole crux of this comfort thing, is this…You have to want it, or it won’t happen, even in a “no win” situation, there is hope. Hang in there and seek the answers you need. They are there. Hugs. Cinderella

Greetings to you.

I have struggled with the issue of addiction, dependence on something outside myself, and the need for comfort, since I was a very young child. As I age, each time the deep thoughts on this issue come back, I realize, I know a bit more, but still have an extreme fear, longing, and need in this area of life.

Now that I am almost 50, I understand that I am not alone in this challenge. I know that over the years, all I seem to do is bounce from one addiction to the next. Always feeling the tremendous guilt of “failed” again. For half a century, I have wrestled with issues that all come down to comfort.

This has caused much pain and conflict over the years. I don’t have the answers, still. However, I know that the solutions are internal. One thing that we have all heard and observed, is the need to be loved and comforted. Knowing this, and knowing we were created to worship something, helps me to understand, we all have lots of hurdles to overcome.

Each of us has our own convictions toward our Higher Power. I believe in the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I believe in the Father of Christ, and the Holy Spirit. With that said, I know that I need to focus on understanding how to allow God to comfort me in these needs.

Okay, I do believe this. I do want to DO this too. I am certainly a stronger person in my faith, than in years past. That is a continual, only ending when God is revealed, type of faith. It is the Hope that is finally realized. This is my question. How do I attain the satisfaction of comfort from addictions, before I die?

My main struggles are within my own head and heart. Some say, “Just Do It”, or, “All that matters is that you are happy”. I can’t speak on the right or wrong of these statements, but I can say that they cause me grief. It hurts my spirit to think I can’t do or have, either, if they are the answer. My desires are to control the “What if’…”, statements of this life.

What if I hurt someone else with what I choose?
What if I cause someone else to choose badly?
What if I don’t do what I am supposed to do before it is too late?
What if I don’t get there before someone else does and I loose?

It can go on and on, and does!

I remember how happy, and comfortable I was as a child. I wasn’t addicted to anything. I would wake in the morning to see the sun shinning and hope the day wouldn’t be over too quick, because I had too much playing to do. I trusted that all the stuff that I didn’t know, would be handled by my parents. All the addictions over time have been my attempt to return to that place. A place where I wanted for nothing and there was no excessive exposure to pain. Yes, I felt disappointment, lose for a short time, and several cuts and bruises, however, that was only temporary set backs.

I listen to the experts tell me different things in order to get one solution. To be able to overcome the damage that life has caused in me. Or wait, maybe it was me that caused that damage, or was it something that “just happened”? I have been searching for too long for the solution. I examine myself from inside out, and then outside in. And, wow, it helps me to grow, but never solves it.

So, what is the secret, if there is a secret, to help happiness be a standard in life, in spite of the past, present, or future? Choices that I made, and continue to make, always have an effect on more than just me. What I feel at one moment, when a decision is made, isn’t the same feeling I have when making the next decision. So, my life is made up of a lot of tumbled down decisions.

How many of us try the “Will Power” way of life? How about the “Just Let It Happen”, approach? I know, the “Planned and Calculated” way is best? What if I read how my personality is to respond to stimulus outside myself? Am I supposed to change in order to suit this, even if I don’t feel it is correct?

I know I have been doing a lot of rambling in hopes of getting a message out there. I feel we all have this daily game we play with ourselves. How our day goes, depends on how we think. Maybe we didn’t sleep good the night before and have no patience. The people in our life have their own agenda and self-worth. When they wake and don’t respond to you, as you think they should, you set your day up to be dark and gloomy or antagonistic. By doing this, we find the comfort we are looking for. No one likes to be alone, so why not bring everyone else into your unhappy place, since it is too hard to get into their happy place.

Has anyone felt that twinge of guilt that comes when we make everyone else around us miserable? Or the ache that goes with the knowledge that your influence has brought someone else down? Some say that you should just ignore what others think and move on. Okay, I would do that, but the ability to not care isn’t one of my traits, and the challenge is that I DO CARE! I can’t stop caring because someone says I shouldn’t.

We can change a lot about ourselves, however, when we exchange good traits for bad ones, in order to keep from pain, it only drives you deeper into the hole that is being dug. Here’s another thought. We are told that we can only be responsible for ourselves. This has never made sense to me, because I feel responsible to others for how I act. I think we all do because, those who break the rules, are considered to be bad, rebellious, and against the normal. The normal has be set to keep people from being irresponsible. This isn’t just regarding ourselves. If we don’t watch out for others, then we loose our worth and a community. Think about when you feel your best? I feel my best when I am helping someone who is in need. I wouldn’t feel this way without responsibility in someway, to others.

Well, this was my desire, to put some very thought-provoking things out there, in hopes you will run with it. That you’ll keep digging into your “Comfort Zone”.

In the next post, I will discuss some of the addictions, in my life, that allowed decisions, I have made and continue to make. There is something “comforting” in deciding that seeking comfort, isn’t always the wrong decision. Especially when it comes to addictions.

Hugs, Cinderella

I am not sure how many people think about the difference in Peer Pressure and Peer Influence. In today’s world, a lot of us are fighting to do what we feel is right and take responsibility for our own actions. Growing up, we might have been taught to stay away from peer pressure. There are programs, systems, and even methods developed to help us learn to ignore the pressure that others may put on us.

Who is putting the pressure on us and why? Modern day psychologists tell us to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions, yet, there is still so many contradictions in the current teachings of how to accomplish this way of thinking. We can’t change from the old teachings when the new teachings don’t teach viable solutions to replace these thoughts.

One such teaching needs a bit of refreshing; Peer Pressure verses Peer Influence. Peer influence is the way we see our peers; the way we allow ourselves to be influenced by them. Whereas, Peer Pressure is where others; within the same age or peer grouping, put pressure on us to change or do what they want. In other words, pressure is the other person’s choice and Influence is your choice. I didn’t understand this difference for a long time.

Others only have the control that you allow them to have. As teenagers go through adolescence, the changes in their bodies and ways of distinguishing life, are huge. Their image and self talk keeps them self-absorbed. Their ability to sway a decision from good to bad is simple and quick.

What causes those decisions to change? A good person, who grows up in a good home, with good morals does the unthinkable. A parent gets a call from the local police station that her daughter was arrested for breaking and entering someones home. A School Principal has to suspend an Honor Roll child for smoking in the bathroom. Maybe, a Neighbor has to call the parents of a group of young boys who she witnessed beating up the new kid on the block. Where do we start and why do we have to even deal with such behavior?

Misconceptions are all around us. The quicker we recognize what they are, the better we are able to deal with them. Teaching our children to stay away from bad influences isn’t bad in itself. We realize that there is harm in being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But, that isn’t the bottom line of most issues kids will face growing up. We need to teach the kids to take responsibility for what they are thinking. Help them to recognize their own thoughts and how they work for or against them.

Take for example a teenage girl who just started at a new school. She is 13, fairly slender, but not skinny. At 13, she is thinking, “SKINNY, BONY, TOOTHPICK”, among other adjectives. She looks in the mirror and sees what she is thinking. She wonders if others will see her that way too. As she gets off the bus in front of her new school, she sees a boy that she thinks is cute. Almost as soon as that thought enters her mind, she starts thinking about her toothpick legs, scrawny ankles, and bony knees that are exposed, since she decided to wear the red skirt that was too short, instead of the blue skirt, that was longer. She lowers her head so as not to have eye contact with the boy and brings her books up to her chest for comfort, as she quickly shuffles past him. The boy never said a word to her, never had the chance to say anything, however, the girl won’t forget and will probably avoid that boy.

Lets change the scenario to where the girl feels deeply about that boy’s thoughts. Her thoughts were her own conception of his thoughts. Later, she makes friends with a girl that she is comfortable enough to share her thoughts. At lunch, the two girls are sitting at a table eating, and the boy comes in and sits at the same table. While the boy still says nothing, the girls start talking to each other. The new girl might say something like, “You see the boy who just sat down? Well, this morning, when I got off the school bus, he thought my legs were skinny”. Her new friend just happened to know that particular boy and his reputation. Later, her new friend makes a directed comment, to the boy whom the two girls talked about earlier, accusing him of being cruel.

How fair was that to this boy? How real was the new girl’s complaint? These types of scenarios are happening all the time. Everyday, everywhere, we continue to misunderstand what others think of us, with our own bias thoughts. How can we prevent this?

Education on how these thoughts begin and how they spread, will help. Focusing on self thinking and perception, rather than on the thoughts of someone else. What others think about us is up to the other person’s unique experiences throughout their life. Our tendency to put our thoughts onto others can really hurt relationships.

An example of a thought-provoking moment was when my children and I went shopping for RVs. We stopped at a Motor Home dealership in our area. I walked in and told the salesman I was looking for some type of Motor Home. I expressed to him that I didn’t know what I was looking for. He told me he only had one vehicle that would fit my description, then he got the keys to that Motor Home. I thought his statement was a bit strange since the only information I gave was very general. Plus, I saw a lot full of RVs. Ignoring my thoughts, I just followed him out to the lot, with my boys right behind me.

While we climbed into the motor home, the salesman was reluctant to help too much. I asked him if I could test drive it. The salesman looked right at me and said, “Well, do you have someone else that will be going with you?”. I replied with, “Why, do you mean a husband?”. The salesman said, “Yes, and why don’t you come back later with your husband and then you can test drive it.

You can imagine what I was thinking by this time! My reality to this situation was, the man didn’t want me to test drive the vehicle without my husband because I couldn’t drive the vehicle myself. His reality was that he had a lady there with 2 small boys wanting to test drive a Motor Home. I am sure he didn’t feel I was serious. Well, he made a $6,600.00 mistake, because I was going to buy the motor home. I thought the price was right. I chose not to buy from him, as well as, telling my friends about his bigoted attitude. This is how things can get really warped over something so simple. I really didn’t know what that salesman thought, because I left without dealing with him.

In summary, I suggest, if we recognize the difficulty of thought transfer and train our minds to deal with our own thoughts first, we would be able to deal with such issues as Peer Pressure. Peer Pressure isn’t Peer Influence. They are opposites of each other.

Thanks for listening and I hope this comparison will help.

Cinderella S. Kelley Kroh

Everyday, each of us makes choices. This seems fairly simply and automatic to us. However, how often do we think about how those choices effect those around us?

Ms. Mullins says so much in this video about the human ability to influence others.

Mullins was born with fibular hemimelia (missing fibula bones) and, as a result, had both of her legs amputated below the knee when she was a year old. She is a graduate of Parkland High School in Allentown and Georgetown University in Washington, D.C.
While attending Georgetown University, she competed against able-bodied athletes in NCAA Division I track and field events. She competed in the Paralympics in 1996 in Atlanta, in which she ran the 100-meter dash in 17.01 seconds and jumped 3.14 meters in the long-jump.
Also while at Georgetown, Mullins won a place on the Foreign Affairs internship program, working at The Pentagon. She also makes appearances as a motivational speaker, and is a fashion model and actress. (from Wikipedia)